i before e rule...

"Brian, what's the i before e rule?"

"I before e... always."

"What are you, an idiot, Brian?"

"Apparently."

So she explains it.

"No, Brian. It's i before e except after c and when sounding like a as in neighbor and weigh, and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May, and you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!"

That's a hard rule. That's a- that's a rough rule.

Plurals were hard, too.

“Brian, how do you make a word a plural?”

“You put a ‘s’…put a ‘s’ at the end of it.”

“When?”

“On weekends and holidays.”

“No, Brian. Let me show you.”

So she asked this kid who knew everything. Irwin.

“Irwin, what’s the plural for ox?”

“Oxen. The farmer used his oxen.”

“Brian?”

(chuckling)“What?”

“Brian, what’s the plural for box?”

“Boxen. I bought 2 boxen of doughnuts.”

"No, Brian, no. Let's try another one. Irwin, what's the plural for goose?"

"Geese. I saw a flock of geese."

"Brian."

(half-crying) "Wha-at?"

"Brian, what's the plural for moose?"

"Moosen! I saw a flock of moosen! There were many of 'em. Many much moosen. Out in the woods- in the woodes- in the woodsen. The meese want the food. The food is to eatenesen. The meese want the food & the food is to eatenesen! The food is to eatenesen!"

"Brian! Brian. You're an imbecile."

"Imbecile-n."

"What are you speaking? German, Brian?"

"German. Jermain. Jermaine Jackson. Jackson Five. Tito!"

--Brian Regan

-kmw-